By Rev. Anthony J. Headley
How do pastors function in the midst of such pressing and crippling demands that take a toll on their lives? Because of the limits to this article, I am unable to provide comprehensive or exhaustive strategies on coping. Instead, borrowing from the preacher’s tendency to alliterate, I present three broad areas for coping. These three areas revolve around spiritual, self-care, and social support strategies. Within each, I will raise other points that I consider pertinent to the discussion.
Spiritual Strategies: Attending to the Means of Grace
First, one should not underestimate the power of spiritual/religious strategies for coping with life’s difficulties. In his important work, The Psychology of Religion and Coping, Kenneth Pargament addressed the value of the religious/spiritual in coping with a number of challenges. For example, he demonstrated the value of prayer, faith in God, perceiving that one is spiritually supported, working with God in the midst of struggles (collaborative religious coping), and sensing that God is walking in the midst of life’s events with the individual (benevolent religious reframing). In the language of Wesleyan spirituality, this brings to mind the need to participate in the means of grace. John Wesley largely spoke about the institutional and the prudential means of grace. By the institutional means of grace, Wesley largely referred to those spiritual disciplines encountered in Scripture, including prayers, Scripture reading, participation in the Lord’s Supper, church attendance, and spiritual conversations. Prudential means of grace, though not scripturally ordained, do not conflict with Scripture. Instead, they apply the general rules of Scripture in line with one’s particular context and circumstances and are worked out by reason and experience.
I find it instructive that Wesley saw the prudential means of grace as addressed to both soul and body. Given his thinking, John Wesley asked questions pertaining to the life of the soul. Specifically, he asked about whether one was watching against the world, the devil, one’s self, and one’s besetting sins. However, he also asked about things pertaining to the body, such as one’s eating and drinking habits and whether one included in one’s diet those foods considered best for body and soul. I wholeheartedly agree with Wesley and recommend participation in these means of grace to help one actualize God’s grace in one’s life. Such participation will both facilitate growth in grace and, at the same time, help one to cope more effectively with the daily hassles of life and ministry.
Self-care Strategies
I am aware that for some in the Christian community, the term self-care does not resonate well. To some, this term might seem to smack of psychological jargon tinged with a good dollop of selfishness. Contrary to such thinking I see self-care as grounded in an appropriate and regulated love of self. Having mentioned love of self, I also am aware that this idea might concern some readers. In an evangelical Christian world that espouses love for God and others, the addition of love for self to the equation might seem to border almost on heresy. However, when I look at Scripture and Jesus’ words in the Great Commandment in the New Testament, I do not see two objects of love, I see three: love to God, love to self, and love to others. We can all agree on the call to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and strength. This primary love to God orders and regulates all other loves, including loving our neighbor and ourselves.
Quite frankly, I never have understood how one looks at the latter part of Jesus’ words calling for loving one’s neighbor as oneself and only emphasize love to our neighbors. I simply do not understand negating the “as yourself” seen in Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:19 and19:39, Mark 12:31–33, and Luke 10:27. Similarly, Paul emphasized loving one’s neighbor as oneself in Romans 13:19 and Galatians 5:14. James referenced the same command in James 2:8. Indeed, one even finds this emphasis in Old Testament passages such as Leviticus 19:18 and 19:34. Although I have not looked at all passages where love of neighbor is commended, from the scriptural examples given, when love of neighbor is mentioned, it is tied to a corresponding love of oneself that serves as the pattern for loving one’s neighbor. So where does the negation of a regulated love of self comes from? There may be many reasons. However, I think one of those reasons is that, deep down, we fear an unrestrained self-love gone awry that quickly becomes rank narcissism. In contrast to such a perspective, I believe loving God can regulate one’s love of self, transforming it into a virtue rather than a vice.
From my perspective, a regulated love of self can facilitate becoming more fully aware of oneself and all of one’s circumstances and needs. In short, the ability to love oneself enhances a healthy self-awareness. Such awareness includes being acutely conscious of what is going on in one’s internal life. This would include being in touch with one’s thoughts and feelings as they relate to one’s mental and emotional life. Moreover, it also includes an awareness of oneself within social situations as well as being in tune with one’s personal being, including one’s physical needs.
Unsurprisingly, awareness is a necessary element in, and a precursor to, compassion whether generated towards others or toward oneself. It is this awareness that allows one to recognize suffering when it is present in one’s life or the life of others. As such, self-awareness not only connects to self-love but also permits self-compassion.
Self-compassion means one is attuned to suffering not only in others but also in one’s own life. Furthermore, just as one responds behaviorally to alleviate suffering in others, self-compassion causes individuals to pause and attend to the needs within their own lives. It is this behavioral response to one’s own needs and sufferings that I refer to as self-care. Incidentally, for those in pastoral leadership and other caring professions, attending to one’s own needs provides a healthy foundation for appropriately and effectively responding to the needs of others. From this perspective, self-care provides a more adequate foundation for an altruistic response to the needs of others.
Of course, one can exert self-care in a number of areas, including the spiritual, emotional, and physical dimensions of one’s life. Given the significant problems in mental health in the life of clergy, one needs to pay particular attention to cultivating positive mental health. In 2014, the Clergy Health Initiative Longitudinal Survey included questions on positive mental health. From this study, Rae Jean Proeschold-Bell indicated that people with positive mental health were able to work more effectively with a wide range of people. Furthermore, she indicated greater openness to social interaction, new ideas, and the ability to solve problems more creatively. One also ought to attend to one’s physical health. From other reports and my experience with pastors, this area poses significant problems for clergy and limits the potential for flourishing.
Rae Proeschold-Bell has identified four habits for flourishing that included taking care of body and spirit, setting boundaries, remembering one’s higher purpose, and embracing social support. Similarly, Matt Bloom emphasized flourishing in ministry in his book of the same title. In it, he emphasized the importance of pastoral well-being, which he firmly tied to pastoral identity. According to Bloom, pastoral well-being includes four elements: daily well-being, which pertains to the quality of one’s daily life, resilience, authenticity, and thriving. To cope well, to flourish and experience a sense of pastoral well-being, one dare not neglect self-care.
Social Support
Finally, I will speak to the need for social support in one’s life. As I noted earlier, Proeschold-Bell mentioned social support as one of the keys to flourishing. Some have also used the example of Aaron and Hur holding up Moses hands as the Israelites fought the Amalekites in Exodus 17:10–13 as a biblical example of social support.
Sidney Cobb, MD, coined the term in a 1976 article titled “Social Support as a Moderator of Life Stress,” written in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine. By “social support,” Cobb meant that one needs a sense that one is cared for and loved (emotional support), esteemed and valued (esteem support) within a network characterized by communication and mutual obligation. Within such networks one can receive advice, aid, and affect through interaction with friends, neighbors, and relatives as well as participation in church and other social groups. One can also receive such support through one’s employment and participation with colleagues. In addition to the actual receipt of support, one might also perceive that one is supported. This perception by itself also can promote health while helping to buffer the effects of stress in one’s life. Within Christian communities, much of the benefits of social support can be achieved through accountability relations experienced within community. In fact, I would suggest that accountability relationships capture much of what Cobb meant by social support.
It is important that pastoral leaders provide social support to the important people in their lives. Here I refer to making appropriate space to cater to the needs of one’s family members, including one’s children and spouse. Rick DeShon, in a presentation titled “The Complex Role of a Pastor’s Spouse,” made at the Common Table Collaborative in May 2022, spoke about the pastor’s spouse. He noted that while spouses provide a safe reservoir of energy and emotion for pastors, they in turn do not have a safe source of support. In making his point, he warned: “When the spouse burns out, the pastor is not far behind.” At the same Common Table Collaborative event, Julie Alderman spoke on the topic of “Why Clergy Spouses Matter to Clergy.” She noted the kind of support that pastors’ spouses need:
- Support that provides wisdom that is relevant to them.
- Developing or maintaining social networks.
- Developing friendships outside of the church.
- More education in the church.
- Better boundaries.
One could make similar arguments for providing such attention and support to one’s children. From these discussions it is evident that pastors need not only social support but also to provide similar support to their spouses and children to promote their flourishing. Indeed, as Rick DeShon implied in his warning, a pastor’s spouse’s flourishing is very much connected to the pastor’s own flourishing. The same might be said of the pastor’s own children.
Rev. Anthony J. Headley, M.Div., Ph.D., is emeritus professor of counseling at Asbury Theological Seminary where he taught counseling and pastoral care for 31 years. He is an ordained Free Methodist Elder and a licensed psychologist in Kentucky. In retirement, he conducts a ministry to ministers through Ahead Ministries. Find out more at anthonyjheadley.com.